Not crying isn't something to feel guilty about

[Wiztherewoz]

I just wanted to get something off my chest, hope nobody minds.

When my poor old Milo dog was put to sleep January '08, it completely broke my heart and that day I cried like I'd never cried before in my life ever. (Which believe me, is a lot.) I fell asleep that night still sobbing.

But the day after, there were no tears at all. I don't think I had any left. I went to work and the first thing I saw was a poor old dog that someone had dumped there, probably around the same time Milo was being put to sleep (He was the same age as Milo, 14 years, and the same kind of size and I just was so angry that someone had given their's up, when all I wanted was to have mine back for one more cuddle.) But I still didn't cry, I just couldn't.

I didn't cry for months afterwards over anything at all. A family member came to visit us one day, saw the picture of Milo on the computer (screensaver) and said "How can that not break your heart seeing him all the time like that?" (She had lost her dog a few months before Milo died, and she hadn't stopped crying every day since, and couldn't look at photos or even mention his name without breaking down.)
She looked at me in disgust, like she thought I must have a heart of stone or something. Then she started crying.

Now, don't get me wrong, she can cry as much as she likes if that's what helps her deal. But I hated that she looked down on me for not crying. After she left, I cried for the first time in in months. Not because she said I should, just because she'd overwhelmed me with mixed emotions. (Mostly anger.)

It doesn't matter how much you cry once someone you love has gone. Some people think crying over a loss somehow absolves you of anything you did wrong to them/for them, and it doesn't. What matters is how much love you gave to them when they were alive, not after they're dead, and how well you took care of them in the time you had together.

Just because someone's not crying every moment, doesn't mean they're not in as much pain as someone who is.

And if you've lost your pet and you aren't crying, please don't feel guilty for that. Cry as much, or as little as you need to. As long as you know that you gave them everything you had while they were with you, you never have to feel guilty for anything.

[Irish_Lass]

I've noticed with past experiences that sometimes I've cried so much in the lead up to the inevitable end, that when the end arrives there is tears but not as many as people have possibly expected. I think its because when the time arrived I've been all cried out & relieved that the suffering is over. Does that make sense?

[nanamouse]

Sometimes you run out of tears. A neighbor put out poisoned meat and killed almost every dog in the community. I had three. The greedy one was dead when we found her, Evil Mike's dog went crazy and couldn't be caught to take to the vet and had to be shot. My favorite we got to the vet, and he was able to save her.
We brought her home, put her inside and she broke out a window to go right back to the meat. This time there was no competition, she barely made it into the yard before she fell over dead. I just sat on the steps and watched her reel up the street and fall in the yard, never a tear. None left. That would have been 94 or 95 and I still haven't cried for her. Nor have I ever forgiven Charlie Winchester, may he rot in hell forever.

[katiem]

I didn't cry at all when my cat Minnie died, even though she'd been my companion for so long. I think I was just so relieved that she was no longer suffering (the few hours before she went were really bad), and knowing she'd had a good long life with me was enough. Then years later I had to make a scrap book of a pet, and at the time Calvin and Hobbes were brand new, so I did Minnie. That was when I finally cried over her death, but it wasn't a huge sobbing mess-of-a-cry, it was just a few tears because I missed her.

[squashynose]

When I was younger and my pets died I sobbed my heart out, everytime I thought about them or people asked about them... But as I got older I didn't so much.

I remember when Sooty was killed by a car, I cried and cried and cried, I couldn't even tell my mum what had happened.

And I cried more for Rocky before he died, when the Vet told me it was time. After the deed was done, the only time I cried was when Chris asked me where he was, I couldn't speak, I just shook my head.

I didn't cry for Oliver at all. And he's the one I feel guilty about.

Is it weird that I cry more now, for the living than the dead? Sometimes I stand and watch the dogs in the kennels... The oldies or the poorly ones, and I get a lump in my throat. In fact now I've just typed that I'm welling up... God I'm emotional today...

[alcoth]

I think it is very important to mourn. The process itself helps heal. The thing is, everyone mourns differently. Some people cry, some people reflect silently, some people go out and party and some people even get angry. It's perfectly normal to not cry very much, as long as you are mourning and can heal.

[nanamouse]

When they checked me into the funny farm many years ago they seemed to find it signifigant that I had totaly lost the ability to cry. :confused:
I cry now, sometimes at the drop of a hat (darn menopause:mad:) but almost never about anything that's relevant to my own life.
I can cry my eyes out here over other peoples pets, but have yet to cry for my sweet Two Stars. I can cry over books and movies, sometimes even songs, but rarely reality.
When I start getting too psychotic and hateful I'll deliberately watch a sad movie to let some of it out. Maybe I shouldn't have checked myself out against the doctors advice?;)

[e1beth1]

Some people just don't understand that mourning doesn't have a set time table or response. Sometimes your too involved to become emotional immediately and it hits you later and sometimes it just doesn't really sink in for a while. My husband lost one of his best friends on Mother's Day in 2003, he was killed in a motorcycle accident. He was a good friend to many people and the viewing and funeral was packed. Some of the guys we're emotional right away, others like my husband didn't really cry it all out until a few weeks later, some of the guys have never really cried in mourning, they prefered to find other ways to remember him. I used to cry a lot at the drop of the hat, I take Cymbalta to help with my FMS symptoms and one of it's side effects on me is that I just don't cry for much of anything. I want to sometimes and just can't so I've had to learn other ways of being emotional and now I know there are other ways, you just have to find what works best for you.

[Llamalady]

Wow. Thanks, guys! I was feeling really guilty because Wednesday I didn't cry at all. I figured I would still be crying. But then I cried again yesterday morning and I miss Linus but I haven't cried yet today. I just can't explain how much I miss him, and how fractured my sleep is because I keep thinking he will be there when I wake up, and that I need to wake up and take care of him, and when I walk through the house I expect to see him. It's nice to know that it's okay to cry, but it's also nice to know it's okay not to, also.

[Irish_Lass]

I've become more emotional about everything as I've got older. I'm only 27 now mind, can you imagine how bad I could get?! ;) I can remember when my cousin was killed in a car accident. I went into crisis mode, got into the car, got to the hospital etc. I can remember a nurse coming to sit down beside me, she patted my hand & said "you know its ok if you want to cry, this isn't easy". I said I didn't need to cry & she gave me THAT look. For most of the wake/funeral I was really sad but didn't cry much. I felt like others needed me to be strong, just so they could get through it. It just hadn't been time to "let go of myself" when everyone thought it was. I think e1beth1 put it well, there is no set table or desirable response when it comes to mourning. I didn't break down until days after it was all over.
As for animals.....I've always felt more emotional over them. They've just always touched me but sometimes I don't cry until its least expected. As I said earlier on in the thread, sometimes I'm just relieved that its all over and the animal is at rest.
I'm in a reminiscent mood today so ignore the miserable post! Sorry!

[nanamouse]

Just so you're able to let it go at some point in time. I think that not letting yourself go through the process is the only wrong way to go through it. It's possible to just totaly seal off something like that, and it's like Special warns about an absess. It has to heal from the inside out, if you close up the wound too soon then the inside never heals and poisons you.

wonder if the moon and planets are in some wierd phase/combination? people on two forums have been very philosophical and baring their souls the last couple days?:confused:

[Irish_Lass]

Jennie, I go through phases of being quite philosophical about everything. Its nice more often than not, it makes you feel closer to people. :)

[Llamalady]

Oops should have given myself a few minutes.... cried again.

Just so you don't feel bad, Lisa, I NEVER used to cry. Unless an animal died in a movie, or something like that. I was convinced I would be a rock, an island. Until Kazi came along, and then I began to be able to cry. Then when we lost LeAnn - my step-daughter - I started crying when people would die in movies, and I was able to completely break down after her death.

And my dad died, and I cried a lot, but I never seemed to get it all out. I think I'm still missing him and haven't reached acceptance stage yet. I know it's been 2 years, but to be completely honest, when his dad died, it took me 10 years to be able to reach acceptance stage.

I wish I remembered all of the stages of grief. I am the queen of cyclers when it comes to grief cycles. I think it's just hard to get to the point of acceptance.

[Irish_Lass]

Thanks Lizzie. :) Its not that I don't cry, Christ sometimes I feel like all I do is cry. I'm an emotional person, always have been. Its just that when it comes to bad things happening directly in my life, I always feel like I need to be the strong one. I get into this mentality where I think "I need to make sure everyone else is ok, after that I'll deal with me."

[Llamalady]

I can totally understand that and have completely lived that way myself. I have just lost the strength to be that person, but I hope when my family stops dropping like flies around me, then I will be able to regain that position... I hope.

[Irish_Lass]

I don't think there's a right way or a wrong way to be Lizzie. Its just whatever works for you. Grief is something none of us really have any control over. Its just whatever gets you through that moment.

[nanamouse]

And my dad died, and I cried a lot, but I never seemed to get it all out. I think I'm still missing him and haven't reached acceptance stage yet. I know it's been 2 years, but to be completely honest, when his dad died, it took me 10 years to be able to reach acceptance stage.



Two years isn't very long for someone you are as close to as a parent. It's been 20 years since my closest life long friend died, and I have yet to complete the process.

[Llamalady]

It doesn't help that my dad seemed healthy - other than a cold - and died in his sleep. Sudden deaths sometimes are harder to let go of... or at least so far... in my experience...

[squashynose]

My dad died suddenly, and I forced myself to cry, because I thought I was weird for not crying, and I didn't want my family to think I didn't care.

It was only at the funeral when we walked in that I burst into tears, and couldn't stop during the whole thing. But after that, nothing.... Until Heather wound me right up one day, being so blummin'... Nice! like she always is :rolleyes:

[Llamalady]

Aw Heather... she can do that... *shakes head* She's a sweetie.

*looks around mischeviously* where is she? Maybe I can leak out some more before I go to work today..

[Wiztherewoz]

I'm sorry, guys, I didn't mean to dredge up so many sad memories.

Love to you all. xx

[Irish_Lass]

You don't need to apologise Heather. I think its good to have a "blow out" every now & again. Clears the air.

Love to you.

Edit: And it makes me more appreciative of those I do have in my life, sometimes we allow ourselves to forget that.

[Pookster]

It's all good, Heather. My name is Joyce. Sometimes mourning is different just as people are different. There are no right or wrong ways to mourn. Some do with tears, some without, it just depends on the individual person, is all.
As for myself, I bawl like a baby when I lose a family member, friend, or one of my pets. But that's just me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with no tears. It's all good, and no worries.
Purrs,
Pookster

[tmd0826]

Sometimes you run out of tears. A neighbor put out poisoned meat and killed almost every dog in the community. I had three. The greedy one was dead when we found her, Evil Mike's dog went crazy and couldn't be caught to take to the vet and had to be shot. My favorite we got to the vet, and he was able to save her.
We brought her home, put her inside and she broke out a window to go right back to the meat. This time there was no competition, she barely made it into the yard before she fell over dead. I just sat on the steps and watched her reel up the street and fall in the yard, never a tear. None left. That would have been 94 or 95 and I still haven't cried for her. Nor have I ever forgiven Charlie Winchester, may he rot in hell forever.


This is the most rotten thing I've ever hear! Someone should have made him eat the meat.....