My best friend

[nedran]

I don't know how much of this I'll actually be able to write, I'll probably have to come back to it later.

16 years ago I adopted a cat from the local animal shelter. I was looking for a kitten but there were only 3 kittens and all of them were sick. There were several older adults and teenagers also but wanted something a little younger. I turned around and there was this cat in a cage at eye level. I talked to her for a minute, not really interested in adopting her (don't really know why not). Decided to take her because the look on her face was one of "either adopt me now or get out of here". Well, I was hers from that point on. The shelter told me she was 6 mo old, the vet told me she was 3-4 mo old. She had been abandoned. I think her first few months were rough ones for her as she didn't like to be touched or held and was not affectionate at all. I grew up with cats and was used to them on my lap and sleeping with me. Chrissie wanted nothing to do with me at first and it took several weeks before she would allow me to pick her up and hold her for a few seconds before she drew blood. Over the 16 years that she was with me, her personality never really changed. She never would sit on my lap unless she wasn't feeling well but she would lay next to me. She slept with me every night and every morning she had many unusual ways of waking me up to go feed her. 4 years ago she was diagnosed with diabetes. I almost lost her then. She had become very lethargic, drinking large quantities of water and constantly going potty. Her blood sugar level was at 650, at 700 she would have died. I had to give her insulin shots every morning and she was on a special diet. A year ago she started getting very ill, throwing up every time she ate, not being able to get to the litter box, difficulty walking. I tried to take care of her but her quality of life had declined terribly. Tuesday I had her put to sleep. I didn't give her her insulin shot that morning. I got her favorite food - cantaloupe - and gave that to her for breakfast. By the time I took her to the vet, she had eaten half of the cantaloupe. The vet did a great job explaining exactly what was going to happen and he cried with me. I was able to hold her in my arms as she passed away. She was wrapped in her favorite blanket and left me knowing how much I loved her. She is being cremated and I know when I go to pick up the ashes it will bring it all back. Night time is the worst because she used to sleep with her head on my pillow facing me with her paws pushing on my chest. (I think she was actually trying to push me out of bed so she could have more room). She was a good friend and I miss her terribly, I wonder if there was anything I could have done differently and want her back but that's just me being selfish. She was in great pain and this was the only way to ease it. My brother thinks I was wrong to do it and that I should have just let nature take its course, so, of course, I feel guilty about that.

Thanks for letting me express myself, I'll have to post some pictures and tell the funny stories at a later date. This is too fresh.

[dlaura]

Nedran,
I enjoyed reading about how you & Chrissie found each other. Imagine the feeling of being abandoned.................. and wondering if you would be rescued ............. then in you walked and changed her life forever. Chrissie had a good life, was sheltered, fed and a huge bed to sleep in and company there to boot. It's hard to watch age deteriorate the body. However, it is something we can't control and is inevitable in the end. Chrissie was yours and she trusted you to do what you felt best for her in your heart. That is what you did and Chrissie is no longer suffering. You put Chrissie's needs above/before yours and unselfishly let her go instead of prolonging her pain and letting nature take its course. The guilt over your decision is part of being human. Remember you began your life with Chrissie by doing a humane act and completed her life in a humane manner. I sincerely wish you peace and release from guilt in regards to Chrissie.

[macassie]

Nedran,

dlaura said it better than anyone else could have.

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry about your loss.

['too crazy]

Nedran~ Isn't it funny how we don't pick our animals, they pick us! It sounds like Chrissie knew what she was doing when she picked you 16 years ago.:) I had to put my favorite kitty to sleep 2 years ago last Aug. She was 13 days shy of her 12th birthday. I won't get into her story because I think it's in one of the threads Diane pulled up for you but to make a long story short, She was being treated for a virus only to find out she had stomach cancer. I had her put her down right then so she would not suffer. Other people, like your brother, would let an animal live until it passed on it's own. There is no right or wrong it's what YOU feel is right for you. Having been in your shoes, I feel you made the BEST choice! By the sounds of it so does your vet, who I must say sounds wonderful!! The pain was so bad for me when I put her to sleep, I had to take some time off work because I couldn't stop crying. My own mother couldn't understand the depth of my grief! But the raw pain and guilt that comes with putting a pet down does go away. I still have pictures up of her and I can look at them and smile now instead of cry. I promise the pain will subside, just give yourself some time to heal. You spent along time together. Just this past Sept. I had to put another one of my cats down. There was that pain all over again! I agree with macassie, Diane (dlaura) said it so well. But let me add the guilt is part of the grieving process and when you get to the part of the process where you know in your heart you did the right thing for Chrissie, you are on the road to recovery. It's not a short road, but the right one. Take joy in the dogs you have. Animals are wonderful broken heart healers and when the time is right, you may be able to let another kitty pick you from the humane society. I will be praying for you! Sherry

[krazy4birds]

I want you to know that I personaly do not know one person who would have done what you did any differently!
You made the most self-sacrificing...loving...humane decision that was 100% right. There were no other options left and you knew that. I too had to make that same decision for my 14 year old beloved poodle. It is a hard one to make and like you I had moments of "guilt". I know it was the only thing left to do and it broke my heart. You will grieve and that is a very normal process that we all need before we can start the healing process. Talk about it as often as you want...that does help. We are here for you 24/7. Everyone on this forum are genuine petlovers who will cry when you cry and laugh when you laugh because we know how you feel and alot of us have already been in your shoes.
May your heart be lightened knowing Chrissie no longer suffers and although she is not here physically she is here spiritually....

[CrazyCat]

I am so sorry about Chrissie. She seemed like a wonderful cat! Now I have never had to put any of my pets to sleep but I was present when my cat got run over!!! She was a wonderful cat but just nothing I could do that split second to do anything. At least Chrissie is now in a better place.

[nedran]

Thank you all for your understanding and words of support. It's only been two days so I know I have a long road ahead. Night time has been the worst and I'm not sleeping just sitting in the dark beating myself up. When the sun comes up I know I did the right thing and the only thing that I could do to help her. I truly believe her spirit is here with me and she is giving me her "what are you blubbering about now" look. I'm finding its silly things that are making me cry like the other half of the cantaloupe is still in the frig, or I had to vaccuum up stray cat litter and I found myself sobbing because it was HER cat litter. I could actually chuckle about it later but at the time.......There are moments when I think I have completely lost it and that I'll never have another cat companion again but then sanity eventually takes over for a few minutes. Thanks for caring and for your prayers.

['too crazy]

Be assured the 'silly things' you cry about is normal. Please don't beat yourself up, you did the most loving thing an owner can do for it's pet! Some of us are on at all different hrs. because of time zones and different countries. When your feeling sad, come on here and someone will be here to talk your through sorrow.

[dlaura]

Nedran,
I hope that we helped you some ........ but understand that only time will lessen the hurt of loss. Of course you'll have another cat companion again! I can tell what a big heart you have and that eventually you'll realize that there is room for another in your heart. Chrissie will always be alive in your heart, but there is more then enough room for another. Just think, if you hadn't walked into that Humane Society that day 16 years ago and saw Chrissie on your way out............ what a different life she may have had or even shorter life if no one had adopted her. So, there will be NO WAY you will leave your next cat companion to be just waiting there for you to arrive to rescue her/him. Believe me ... that time will come.

Remember what too crazy said - this board is 24/7 so if you need to talk......you know where you can do so.

Peace be with you,
Diane

[nedran]

Yes, you have all helped greatly! It has been so wonderful to be able to talk to fellow pet lovers about Chrissie and being able to post pictures of her. I didn't think I would be able to look at any of her pictures for a long time but sharing them with everybody has made my heart lighter. I can look at them and smile. Reading everybody elses stories of loss has helped, too. I guess just knowing I'm not alone makes it easier. I'm not sad for Chrissie because I know she is no longer in pain and she can now have all of the cantaloupe she wants, it's just hard to be left behind!

[nedran]

When I first got Chrissie, she was an only pet. She had the run of the house and could do whatever she wanted. I was definitely her person because she wouldn't let my son or husband pet her but I could. It was actually several years before they would really try to pet her when I wasn't around. She had all of her claws and knew how to use them. I was very lucky because she never scratched on the furniture. She had a pillow that she would use to sharpen her claws. She's was always a very aloof cat. My husband commented over the years how she was not that far removed from the wild in her attitude. Chrissie was a big cat. She stood 12 1/2 inches at the shoulder and was 18 inches long not counting her tail. She weighed 28 pounds until she was diagnosed with diabetes. After that we got her weight down to 20 pounds which the vet said was a good weight for her. She did not like other animals. When we got Molly (the dog), she latched her claws into Molly's nose (Molly found Chrissie's food, big mistake). From that day on, any time Molly walked past her, Chrissie would smack her (with her claws retracted). Needless to say, Molly gave her a wide berth! For 12 years, Molly tried to make friends with her but it never happened. It wasn't just dogs Chrissie didn't like, she didn't like other cats either. I think it's like being an only child for two years & then suddenly having a baby brother/sister. She preferred being an only child and ran the house like she still was. She definitely had an attitude to match her size!!

[nedran]

The other day I was driving my car and thought that Chrissie was sitting next to me. I had to laugh because she hated the car. She would start yowling before I got out the door with her.

Last night I had a dream about her. The beginning of the dream proceeded like the actual event. I took her to the vet, he injected her and she died. But the dream took over from there. The vet called me to tell me she hadn't died so I went and picked her up. I took her everywhere with me, to the doctor's office, the store, a friends house, a party, for a walk. I had to carry her frequently because there was a problem with her left front leg. When I woke up, I knew what was wrong with her leg, it's where the vet had injected her in real life.

I'm feel more at peace. It's like she was telling me that even though she wasn't here with me physically, she was still here....even in the car.

[dlaura]

That's an awesome dream nedran. Thanks for sharing it with us!

[Squawksx3]

She is still with you nedran and will be forever in your heart.
Thank you for sharing her life with us... she was a very special little soul....Sending prayers and hugs your way.